Editor's Note - This is an excerpt from the February 2009 issue of the Buddhist Wheel

The truth of the Buddha’s teachings is affirmed in daily life experiences, confidence in and understanding of them grows as life is lived. At the same time Shinran Shonin’s realization that it is very difficult to perform Buddhist practice and to embody the teachings in order to transcend the human condition is also very true. And the primary culprit that creates this difficulty is my own ego-self.

My ego told me that it was a good thing that I was going to save the religion by creating activities and educational programs to make Buddhism more widely available. It also told me everyone had to follow my lead in order for me to accomplish those goals. But this did not happen in the reality of this life, because I did not take into account that other people need to realize their own goals and accomplishing anything involves many people working together. In the world of Buddhism there are many difficult practices that challenge both body and mind but I have come to the conclusion that it is most difficult to face one’s true self, yes, full of potential to do wonderful things but at the same time full of self centered and self justifying motivations that can be the cause of terrible things. We tend to
justify poor or mean behavior with our good intentions and goals. In this life our most dangerous and clever adversary is ourselves because we will do anything to justify ourselves and protect our own egos.

I did not fully understand myself and my inner motivations when I had decided to resign. But I was very fortunate to be surrounded by good Dharma friends who help me not be so hasty. It would be a few years later that I would come to understand myself a bit better. Bishop Yosemori wisely did not overtly try to force me to reconsider but when conditions were appropriate he suggested a change of assignment so that I could more clearly think about my situation. Although he never intimated it, I also now realize that the change would also be an opportunity to see my selfcentered condition. And one of the manifestations of my condition is my blindness to all the positive things that were happening around me due to the diligent efforts of others. There were so many wonderful things happening around me that it is difficult to mention all of them.

Fortunately, for me, I did reconsider and accepted the new assignment, and being in a different setting did help me to see myself a bit more and became more willing to learn from life and grow as a human being. But perhaps not quite enough because I started to become impatient with the inability of the organization to correct what I saw as inequities. This inability to accept and carry out change resulted in my desire to leave the organization. And once more, surrounded by my old and new Dharma friends who again counseled me to be patient and reflect. I then thought about how we tend to only remember the mistakes and poor behavior of others and forget our own mistakes and nastiness. This selective memory puts us into the position of judge and jury and we punish the perceived crimes in many ways: anger, criticism, verbal abuse, physical abuse and rejection. My rejection came in the form of resignation.

An important function that friends and family fulfill is to mirror ourselves. They can reflect both conscious and unconscious motivations and characteristics. On the positive side what we enjoy in another person reflects what we like about ourselves and that which angers us is actually what we dislike most about ourselves. So if someone irritates us because they are selfish and they do not acknowledge or credit us, the reason for the anger is that we are selfish and greedy for the credit and acknowledgement. And more aspects of myself that is revealed to me, the more I can accept them as part of me and work to understand them. With understanding comes the ability to better put them to rest or to work with them or past them. But removing from the context of community and organization I also loose my mirrors and the key to seeing myself. And removing myself from my position allows me to distance myself from the teachings.

In my role as a minister I am constantly being reminded of the teachings of the Buddha and Shinran Shonin. I cannot run away from them. Although only ministers are human beings like anyone else, others tend to create high expectations of them which are unrealistic and unfair. But it is those high expectations that heighten my awareness of my own inadequacies. Without that condition there is a tendency to be complacent and self-satisfied which does not encourage spiritual and personsal growth. It is only when I can be highly aware and at the same time very involved with living life and my own growth that I find satisfaction and inner peace.

There is a story that has been passed from minister to minister that I think originated in the mainland United States. It goes like this:

A member asks a minister: “Why did you become a minister?”

The minister replies: “Bad Karma.”

Indeed it someone like me who is very selfish and egotistical and burdened by “Bad Karma” and therefore has all of these negative characteristics who needs to hold the Dharma close to me as a minister. I am also blessed by the Good Karma of good Dharma friends who I have encountered and continue to encounter in this journey of life. --- and the story continues.

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